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strawberry head

(I've wasted a lifetime pretending to be me.)

At the end of the day, I'm still most in my element when I'm alone reading or just doing my own thing. University life makes me feel like my feet are cemented to the ground while I stand naked in a crowd. Interacting with the rest of humankind can be so difficult. Things haven't been easy lately, and sleep - my one true solace at night - has mercilessly morphed into a series of restless, wakeless nightmares. In that sense, perhaps it's good that I don't get much sleep. When I wake, I'm so busy that I'm unaware of how tired my body has grown.

I've always believed that the only things you can be sure of are your own thoughts, opinions and feelings. I feel so incapacitated and confused when I can't figure myself out. I feel helpless yet faultless when I in turn hurt the people around me because of my mess. I feel afraid of how unsure I've become about almost everything. I feel like the best medicine right now would be a week of seclusion, my warm bed and all the books I've been meaning to read but haven't been able to get down to.

I wish there were answers.
I wish I could explain to you why things turned out the way they did.
I wish I loved you as much as you did.
I wish I love you as much as you do.
I wish I ache as much as you do.
I wish I could fight.

All these not because I want to make you feel bad or make myself feel better, but because nobody should have to suffer the way you do - especially not alone; especially not you.

I wish I could show you without telling you, because my words do nothing but diminish all that's going on in my mind.
 
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strawberry head

"every thing that you love, you will eventually lose, but in the end, love will return in a different form."

My internship is finally coming to an end and soon I will be back in Leeds. I can't believe I came back with absolutely no plans to do an internship, only to have spent literally my entire summer break to date (save for the first two days I was back) doing two. I thought I would have been used to the mental and emotional exhaustion by now but I still can't really deal with it. I'm not exactly a morning person, so I usually leave the house at 8 in the morning really grumpy and antisocial towards my parents. When I return home at 8 in the evening, I'm usually so tired that I head to bed right after dinner and a shower, so effectively I don't spend much quality time with my parents, which I can't really forgive myself for. What's worse is that I leave Saturday for Zac and Sunday for church, and at the end of the day my mind is begging me to be a proper daughter but my body defiantly does nothing to execute its wishes.

Home has been wonderful though. The food is great, the people are familiar and I feel, well, at home. But I'm actually looking forward to going back before I start to really get used to being here. Home is familiar, but I feel more liberated there. Staying there for as long as I like: if I could, I would, but I can't, so I shan't. Home is a double-edged sword.

This internship and particular time in my life has got me thinking and made me pretty worried for life after graduation. I'm quite uncertain about the area I wish to specialise in and where I want to practise after I graduate. I'm also really sad that I only have two more years before I'm let out into the wild to probably get ripped apart by the tigers and lions of the corporate jungle. It scares me that one year has already passed - and so fast, too - I feel so much pressure to treasure my remaining two years of carefree, mindless freedom.

Exactly one more month before I fly back. I shudder to think about it.
 
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strawberry head
18 June 2013 @ 12:47 am
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A little regretful I didn't do one for my sweet little Paris trip but here's a short one for Spain before I take my Singapore before-bed shower.


a street near our Madrid apartment at 9pm. Those bright summer nights.


near the royal palace of Madrid. Ugh it's so pretty.


at the royal palace of Madrid.


at the temple of Debod. It's weird, but I think this is one my favourite photos from the trip.


Toledo. TeckJin took this one, of course.


Toledo. Felt like we were in Aladdin the movie!


Pickpocket bait.


The amazebeans la sagrada familia.

It feels good to be back home in Singapore. Got all those Singapore food in my tummy again. I really wish that for once I can just spend time with my parents and Zac, but things are starting to look busy again :(
 
 
Current Music: King by Lauren Aquilina
 
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